


Sheggnanigans

by peculiairyties (ItsAiryBro)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged Up, Dirty Talk, Egg Laying, Explicit Sex, Filthy, Humor, I use this to my advantage, Kuroo and Daichi are horny dorks that love each other, M/M, Oviposition, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, The Author Regrets Nothing, This started out as a joke, but then i got really into it, just like Kuroo and Daichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 01:20:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsAiryBro/pseuds/peculiairyties
Summary: 3 gelatin eggs. 2 curious men. One alien tentacle egg insertion dildo.OrKuroo wants to try using an ovipositor and Daichi is indulgent and also intrigued





	Sheggnanigans

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't know what oviposition kink is, it's basically laying eggs in someone or watching someone lay eggs. If that sounds like something you can't read even for shits and giggles, now's your time to nope out.
> 
> If you do, well, hello ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“Hey Daichi, look what I found!”

Daichi looked toward the doorway where Tetsurou was brandishing his phone. “Something really dumb I bet.”

His boyfriend laughed and stepped into the bedroom. “One hundred points! You know me so well.”

“I really do. So what’s up?”

“Look at this.”

Daichi put down the laundry he was folding and peered at the phone screen, where there was an image of a bright green, strange-looking dildo surrounded by… _eggs_ ? “Tetsu. What _is_ that.”

“It’s an ovipositor. You use it to put eggs inside you. Fascinating right?”

Daichi looked at him, dumbfounded. “…I’m the last person to judge anyone for their sexual fantasies, baby, but wow, I was _not_ expecting this from you.”

Tetsurou shrugged. “I’m not _into it_ per se. It just looks so fucking interesting. I wonder how that feels like.”

“Feels like eggs in your butt, I suppose.” Daichi grinned, and Tetsurou snorted and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“Daichi, can we try it out?”

He froze. “What.”

“Come on. For science.”

“Tetsu, honestly. What’s the point of buying it if it’s not even something you’re into? And I bet it’s expensive too.”

“I have a disposable income!” Tetsurou said, raising both his hands. “And if I want to waste some of it on a weird dildo that puts eggs inside of you, is that really so wrong?”

Daichi just stared.

Tetsurou waggled his eyebrows, his smirk rakish and coaxing. “Come oooon. For _science,_ Daichi.”

Tetsu barely asked for anything for himself, and almost always accepted whatever Daichi wanted to try. Daichi couldn’t bear to turn him down when he was actually asking for something for once, and so earnestly at that.

“Fine, okay. We can do it.”

Tetsurou’s jaw dropped. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“You’re really saying that, and not just because I pestered you into it?”

Daichi rolled his eyes. He sort of was, but he supposed he wasn’t doing anything he _really_ didn’t want to do, so it was fine. And besides, now his curiosity was piqued too. “Yes, I'm really saying that. Buy the damn thing.”

“Okay, great! Okay,” Tetsurou repeated, reanimating again, looking like he still couldn’t believe that Daichi had accepted. “We have to pick one.”

“What do you mean pick one?”

“You know. We have to choose an ovipositor. It comes in multiple shapes and sizes and colours.”

Daichi found himself at a loss for words again. “No way.”

Tetsu grinned back. “Yes way.”

Daichi sighed and buried his face in the t-shirt he’d been trying to fold. “Fine. Okay, let’s get this over with.”

Tetsu ran out of the room and ran back in with his laptop. “Okay, here it is!”

They looked at the site and snorted at some of the other things they sold, before checking on their range of ovipositors. Each one was very helpfully placed next to a beer bottle for size comparison.

“Wow, that one is pretty big,” Tetsu said, pointing at a long dildo that looked vaguely like a horse dick.

“We’re not getting that,” Daichi said immediately, a note of alarm creeping into his voice.

Tetsu patted his back consolingly. “Oh for sure. I wasn’t even thinking about it, don’t worry. How about this one though?”

The one he was pointing at was still big, almost as tall as a beer bottle, and about as thick, and very veiny looking. Daichi hummed consideringly. “I think that’s workable.”

Kuro clicked on it and started reading the specs. “You don’t think it’s too big?”

Daichi shrugged. “I take you on a regular enough basis so that shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Aww!” Tetsurou leaned into him with a big, cheesy grin. “Thank you!”

Daichi snorted and pushed him off. “Oh my god, I should not have said that.”

“No it’s okay, we know it’s the truth. I have a great dick. But you know what’s greater?”

“I don’t want to know.”

“My personality.”

Daichi laughed despite himself. “Oh, fuck off!”

Tetsurou wheezed with laughter before he composed himself and wiped his eyes. “Okay, okay, let’s get this thing sorted.”

Daichi watched with fond amusement as Tetsurou gleefully completed the purchase, picking out a hideous neon orange colour dubbed ‘hot poker’ and adding a glow in the dark option to it. “Do you seriously want a glow in the dark dildo? You are _such_ a child.”

“And you’re such a stick in the mud.”

Daichi gasped in mock offense. “That’s hurtful. If I was a stick in the mud would I be agreeing to try this egg thing with you?”

Tetsurou turned and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You’re right, sorry. You’re not a stick in the mud. You’re the best boyfriend.”

Daichi kissed him back, but on the lips. “I sure am. Now are we going to get silicone eggs, or?”

“Hmm. I want to try the gelatin ones ’cuz they seem like the safer bet? It says here they melt with body heat so we don’t have to worry about anything getting stuck up there and having to go to the ER.”

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want a repeat of that incident.”

Both of them grimaced as they observed a moment of silence in remembrance of when Daichi got tangled in some silk rope, fell off the bed, hit his head on the corner of the table, and had to go to the ER to get stitches because he’d started bleeding.

Daichi nodded once, coming to a decision. “Sounds good.”

“Excellent. Wait. _Egg_ cellent.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

“You know what comes next right?”

“Not you, if you keep making those horrible puns.”

“Rude. Anyway, this means it’s time for _research_.”

Daichi put his hand on Tetsurou’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “Tetsu, you know you don’t have to _justify_ your desire to watch fetish porn, right? It’s okay. People are turned on by weird and freaky things. I’m not judging you.”

Tetsurou scoffed. “Daichi, I am _not,_ I repeat, _not_ into oviposition. I’m just curious and want to try it out, you know, in the spirit of exploration?”

Daichi gave him a flat look. “There are literally hundreds of reviews for that product. You could just read those to see what it’s like.”

“But where’s the fun in that?”

Daichi sighed. “Alright, mister scientist. We can do research. Pull up the porn.”

Tetsurou honest to god rubbed his hands together before he typed his query into the search bar.

All the videos that weren’t hentai were mostly by women using the toy on themselves. A lot of them were using the toy they’d selected, so Daichi was at least reassured that they’d made a good choice.

He really wasn’t interested in seeing women pop coloured eggs out their lady bits though, not even for research, so he looked at Tetsurou’s face instead.

Tetsurou looked at the screen, with a hyperfocus that would be more suited to watching brain surgery or something equally intricate. With his hazel eyes sharp and his top lip slightly tucked between his teeth, he looked like he was studying for a thesis defense. The faint blush on his face and the periodic twitching of the corner of his lips gave away his inner thoughts, though.

“You actually do like this, don’t you? Don’t lie.”

Tetsurou turned to him, his blush settling in fully and his eyes wide. “N-no! I mean. Maybe? I didn’t think about it before, but now I guess, I’m turned on a little bit? It just looks…”

Daichi raised his eyebrows when he didn’t continue. “Weird? Fascinating?”

“Fun?” Tetsurou shrugged, and his shoulders stayed hunched. “I think it’d definitely be a very unique and interesting sensation. I think it’s sort of sexy, okay?!”

“The article we read said it’d be like popping out gooey hardboiled eggs.”

The both of them stared at each other for a while before sighing, almost in tandem.

“Guess we’re going to find out first hand, huh?” Daichi smirked. He wasn’t going to let his boyfriend down, after all.

“Guess we are.” Tetsurou chuckled, and pulled up another video.

-

The ‘Splorch’ and its accessories arrived on a fine Friday evening. Tetsurou tore into the box immediately.

“Wow,” he said, holding the dildo in his hands and turning it this way and that. Daichi leaned over the sofa to get a good look as well. It was a bright orange colour with a black-grey base, and it looked very well made, with a wide, flat base and oddly shaped opening that gave it a tentacle-mouth like appearance.

“It’s so soft and squishy.” Tetsurou pressed the top open and closed, making it look like a giant, kinky sock puppet. He pointed it at Daichi. “Hey there, sexy,” he said in a rough, whispery voice as he made the dildo _talk_. “You gonna let me put my eggs in your body?”

Daichi frowned. “Why am I getting the eggs put in my body? It was your idea.”

Tetsurou lowered his dildo puppet. “I thought you were okay with it?”

“I was okay with being the oviposi _tor_ , not the oviposi _tee_.”

“Damn.” Tetsurou stared at the floor before he looked back at Daichi. “What do you propose, then?”

“How about rock paper scissors? Loser lays the egg.”

Tetsurou nodded. “Fine.”

‘Rock, paper, scissors,’ they said in unison. Daichi’s rock beat Tetsurou’s scissors.

“Best two out of three?” Tetsurou asked, hopeful.

Daichi shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

Daichi’s paper beat Tetsurou’s rock.

“Fuck. Wanna do a coin toss instead?”

Daichi smiled and ruffled his boyfriend’s hair. “If you really don’t want to do it, then you don’t have to, baby. I just thought you’d want to, considering you were very eager to find out what it felt like.”

Tetsurou was quiet for a while before he nodded. “I guess I should have been clearer, huh? Sorry, Daichi.”

“I’ll lay the eggs.”

“What?”

Daichi laughed. “Yeah. I mean, we have the toy, and we have the stuff to make the eggs. And I’m invested too. So let’s do this.”

“You- you really mean that?” Tetsurou asked, wide-eyed.

“Sure I do,” Daichi said easily.

Tetsurou bounded up from the sofa and caught Daichi in a tight squeeze before pulling back and holding him by the shoulders. “Do you want to make the eggs so they can set overnight?”

Daichi squinted at him. “Did you want to try it out tomorrow? I thought you had plans?”

He got a coy smirk in response. “Well, plans change.”

Daichi shook his head in exasperation. “Unbelievable. Fine, let’s make the eggs.”

They set about following the instructions to make the gelatin mix for the eggs. Once the mixture was on the stove, they hovered over it anxiously, making sure the gelatin mixed completely and wasn’t full of bubbles. Then Daichi slowly poured the mix into the egg mould, and put it in the fridge to cool.

“Alright, now that’s done--” Tetsurou hooked his fingers in the belt loops of Daichi’s jeans and pulled him closer. “Want to go to bed?”

Daichi buried his nose in Tetsurou’s neck and sucked gently at his collarbone. “Lead the way.”

-

“All right,” said Tetsurou, rubbing his hands vigorously before slapping his knees. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

Daichi put his coffee mug down. “Now?”

“Is something wrong with now?”

Daichi looked at the clock. “It’s like, eleven in the morning.”

“Daichi, that just means we have the whole day ahead of us so we can really take our time! And you prepped when you showered earlier, right?”

Well, when he put it like that… “I guess I can’t argue that logic.”

Tetsurou grinned. “Soooooo?”

Daichi stood up and stretched. “Get the damn eggs, and I’ll set up in the bedroom.”

Tetsurou paused on his way to the kitchen to turn and double finger gun at him. “Don’t forget our friend!”

“Our what now?”

“Daichi! I mean the star of today’s show, our friend Splorch. Which, I think we should come up with a new name for him. I say we call him Mr. Ovipositor-inator. Mr. O for short.”

Daichi shot him a withering look. “Are you serious.”

Tetsurou’s voice echoed as he walked into the kitchen. “Why not? It sounds much, much cooler than ‘ _Splorch_ ’, for starters.”

“Well you’re right about that at least.” Daichi picked up the newly dubbed Mr. Ovipositor-inator AKA Mr. O’s box and headed to the bedroom.

While Tetsurou sat on a corner of the bed and worked on freeing the eggs from the egg mould, Daichi laid down not one or two but four big towels on the bed, and pulled out their jumbo pump bottle of lube before stripping down to his boxers.

Tetsurou stopped fiddling with the eggs to rake his eyes down Daichi’s body, arousal keen in his eyes. Daichi sat down on the bed and opened his arms to him, and Tetsurou eagerly crawled over on his hands and knees to staddle Daichi’s lap.

“Thanks for indulging me with this, Daichi,” Tetsurou purred, winding his arms around Daichi’s shoulders and nuzzling his cheek.

“There’s no need for thanks.” Daichi kissed up his tan neck, nibbling at a spot here and there. “But if you wanted to take your clothes off and suck my dick to express your gratitude, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

Tetsurou laughed and took his shirt off, and Daichi immediately groped his pecs while he sucked on last night’s hickies again. “I thought you wanted me to suck your dick?”

Daichi pulled back to admire his artistry. Seeing bite marks and bruises on Tetsu’s warm golden skin always made him wildly horny. “Mmm, actually, forget that. Let me just… let me just look at you. You look so hot all bruised up like this.”

When his boyfriend stretched his arms above his head on purpose, showing off his muscles shifting and bunching enticingly, Daichi let out a little groan.

“You’re so easy to tease,” the rascal laughed, bending to nip the corner of Daichi’s bottom lip.

“You’re not all that either,” he smirked, holding Tetsurou by the hips so he could press up into his ass with his very hard dick, a small bubble of laughter escaping him when Tetsu sucked in a little breath and widened his eyes.

“You’re gonna make me cum if you keep doing that.”

“What, just this?” Daichi rolled his hips again, just to be contrary.

“I’m _really_ horny right now okay?”

Chuckling, Daichi let up. “Alright, alright. Now are we gonna get busy with Mr. O? Or…”

Tetsurou retrieved the eggs, carefully holding two in each hand. They were about the side of a regular chicken egg, and when he deposited them in Daichi’s cupped hands, they bounced and slid around.

“They smell… weird.” Daichi grimaced.

Tetsurou nodded, pumping lube over the eggs. “Yeah, it’s the gelatin. It makes it smell oddly raw.”

Daichi wrinkled his nose as he gently smushed the eggs together, giving them a good coating of lube.

“Okay, now we have to put the eggs inside Mr. O.”

“Egg insertion tool’s over there,” Daichi said, pointing his chin at the box he’d put on the nightstand. “So’s Mr. O.”

Tetsurou grabbed both of them, since Daichi’s hands were occupied.

The egg insertion tool was sort of like a really tall egg cup made of sturdy plastic. Tetsurou held Mr. O base side up and took one of the eggs from Daichi’s hands. The lubed up eggs were extremely slippery and kept sliding right out of Tetsurou’s grip, and the more frustrated he got, the more amused Daichi became, resorting to tucking his lips between his teeth to kept quiet.

Finally Tetsurou managed to get the egg to stay put over the hole where it was supposed to go. “This mother _fucker_ ,” he hissed, viciously trying to push it in. The egg went in, but when he pulled the tool out, the egg popped right back out.

Daichi started snickering at the sheer outrage on his boyfriend’s usually smirking face. “Tetsu, do you need help?”

“No, I’m good,” he said, but his own composure was dissolving as well, his cheeks turning pink from having to suppress his laughter.

“Maybe— maybe don’t press on the actual dildo part too much.”

“I’m doing my best,” Tetsurou snorted, giving up on the tool and just using his hand instead. The egg made horrible suctiony noises as it fought its entry into the dildo, and when it was halfway in, he quickly grabbed the tool so he could push it in all the way.

Except the edge of the insertion tool caught on the egg and split it in two.

Daichi _howled_ , giving up on even trying to hold his laughter.

Tetsurou looked incredulous. “I fucking broke the egg!”

“You broke the egg!” Daichi wheezed. “Oh my fucking god you fucking broke the egg.”

“What the fuck!” Tetsurou yelled, holding one half of the ruined egg in each hand.

Daichi tried to wipe his eyes and ended up smearing lube all over his face. “Oh shit.”

“May I offer you”—Tetsurou said, beginning to break down—“half an egg in this trying time?”

The both of them lost it for a little while before they decided to give it another shot, this time with Tetsurou holding Mr. O in place and Daichi pushing the eggs in.

With some amount of swearing and snickering, Daichi managed to push one of the eggs into Mr. O.

“Success!” Tetsurou roared, holding up the ovipositor like Rocky holding up the championship belt.

Daichi snorted. “Do you wanna try putting another one in?”

Kuroo sat back down and nodded. “Yeah, let’s go for it.”

This time when Daichi tried to press the egg into the hole, it slipped out of his hand and launched itself at Tetsurou’s chest, leaving a big blob-shaped imprint of lube right over one of his hickies.

The two of them were almost crying with laughter, till Daichi’s stomach cramped and he had to make himself stop.

“We’ve been struggling for the last twenty minutes and we haven’t even gotten all the eggs in yet.”

“But hey,” said Tetsurou, looking at him with his trademark cheesy grin. “We know these eggs will make good _projeggtiles_ , at least.”

“You are the _worst_.” Daichi snorted despite himself. “The literal worst.”

“I think you’re saying _best_ wrong, honey.”

Daichi rolled his eyes and ignored his comment in favour of trying to push the second egg in.

After some more struggling and swearing and horrible, horrible puns, they finally managed to get all three of the eggs inside Mr. O.

Tetsurou heaved a sigh of relief. “Goddamn. That was a spectacle and a half. It’ll be worth it though.”

“It better be,” Daichi muttered under his breath as he handed the ovipositor back to Kuroo and slid his boxers off.

Tetsurou snorted and pumped a glob of lube onto the business end of Mr. O. “Okay, how do you wanna do this? On your front? Or back?”

“I think on my back will be fine,” said Daichi, scooting down a little on the bed so he could lay down on his back and open his knees.

“Alright, you ready?” Tetsurou moved to kneel between Daichi’s spread legs, Mr. O in one hand. With the other, he slowly stroked Daichi’s dick, watching as his expression relaxed and his breathing hitched a little.

“As ready as I’ll ever be to lay some eggs, I suppose.”

Tetsurou snorted and began to slowly finger him, bending down to suck his dick as he did. Daichi groaned his appreciation, rubbing his messy hands off on the towel he’d laid down so he could card his fingers through Tetsurou’s hair and pull lightly.

“Mm, feels good.”

Tetsurou pulled off, and Daichi moved his hands to cup his face instead. “Give me your eggs, baby.”

Tetsurou couldn’t help it. He put his forehead on Daichi’s knee and laughed. “Now look who’s into this.”

Daichi poked his side with his toe. “Hey, I am nothing if not meticulous.”

“Ya know what? I should take this as seriously as you are. Let’s redo that.”

“What?”

“Yeah, once more, from the top.”

Daichi knew if he said it again he would get some absolute clownery in response, but he said it anyway. “Give me your eggs, _baby_.”

“I’m going to fucking fill you with them, Daichi,” Tetsurou growled, pressing the tip of the ovipositor against Daichi’s entrance and rubbing slow circles. “I’m going to get you so full and wet with my eggs.”

Well.

That had been hotter than he thought it’d be, even if he had to resist the urge to laugh at ‘eggs’.

He closed his eyes and grunted softly when Tetsurou pushed the ovipositor into him, toes curling with the initial discomfort of accommodating something so large, even if the entry was smooth with lube.

“Good?”

“Yeah, keep going.”

Tetsurou made a soft humming noise and pressed on Daichi’s thigh so he opened wider, sliding Mr. O in slowly but steadily. “Still good?”

Daichi nodded, relaxing so he could take more of the ovipositor’s length. “Yes.”

“You’re doing so well,” Tetsurou purred, pulling one of Daichi’s legs onto his shoulder so he could press little kisses to whatever skin he could reach as he began slowly thrusting the dildo into his ass. “Damn, sweetheart.”

The girth of the damn dildo was enough to keep Daichi from saying anything smart in return. “Fuck,” he muttered, focusing on how it stretched him open, at how it widened and narrowed, meaning the part with the eggs was in him now.

“I’m not going to put the whole thing in, don’t worry.”

Daichi hooked his hands under his knees and wiggled a little to get in a more comfy position. “Fuck me with it, Tetsurou.”

“Oh hell,” Tetsurou murmured, using the hand that wasn’t holding Mr. O to rub Daichi’s chest and nipples. He increased the pace of the thrusts a little. “Can I give you the eggs now, babe?”

“Fuck. Yeah, do it. Give em to me.”

Tetsurou withdrew his hand from his chest, and Daichi braced himself for whatever was going to come.

He felt the first egg pop into him, still slightly cold, quickly joined by the second, and then the third. Then the ovipositor withdrew, and Daichi was left with the oddest sensation. "Hmm,” he murmured. “The feel of it is… interesting"

"I bet.” Tetsurou hummed and gently rubbed his thighs. “Good? Bad?”

“Not bad,” he said, reaching out to cup Tetsurou’s face and stroking away the furrows between his eyebrows. “It’s strange but not a bad strange. It's… They’re kinda like… like having a couple of bullet vibes but much, much squishier?” Daichi considered the way the eggs pressed together inside him. “Yeah. I’m not sure how much I like the sensation but I can see the appeal, definitely. It just feels. Very _mushy_.”

Tetsurou snickered but bent down to kiss and nuzzle at Daichi’s jaw. “I love you,” he murmured, nosing behind Daichi’s ear. “I love youuu.”

Daichi laughed and hugged him close, pressing his own kisses to Tetsurou’s hickey-covered shoulder. “I love you too, baby.”

Tetsurou’s breath shuddered out of him before he spoke quietly and directly into Daichi’s ear. “Can I fuck you like this?”

The thought of how _that_ would feel— it was enticing. “Yes. Fuck me Tetsu, feel how full I am for you.”

“Fuck, Daichi, holy fuck,” Tetsurou scrambled to grab a condom from the nightstand and hurriedly put it on before positioning himself.

He slid inside slowly but easily, and when he was fully seated Daichi wrapped his legs around his hips to pull him even closer. ‘Fuck, Tetsurou,”

“Oh fuck,” Tetsurou gasped, bracing himself with his elbows on either side of Daichi’s head. “Wow, that feels some type of way, alright.”

Daichi closed his eyes and clawed at Tetsurou’s back when he pulled out and thrust in again, feeling absolutely filthy at how wet and _squirmy_ his insides were, and how Tetsurou’s cock nudged the eggs and made them bump and slide against each other.

The fucking was slow and shallow, Tetsurou cussing and gasping words of praise into Daichi’s sweaty neck as his cock rubbed up against the eggs. “Goddamn Daichi. This feels so fucking good. Does it feel good for you too, sweetheart? Fuck it’s so soft and good inside you, Daichi, I fucking… fuck… Fuck Daichi you’re taking this so well, taking my eggs and my cock like you’re made for me, god, I—”

Daichi shut him up pulling him into an aggressive kiss, feeling a  bit light headed at the hot mess he was spouting, but also coming to a realization. He broke the kiss and gently pushed Tetsurou’s face away, smiling at the disappointed whine that escaped his boyfriend’s kiss-bitten lips. “I can feel the eggs beginning to melt, I think.”

“Oh. Do you want to”— Tetsurou grinned— “do you want to lay the eggs now?”

Daichi nodded, rolling his eyes. “Yes, I want to ‘lay the eggs’. I don’t want to let them all melt, it’s gonna be a fucking bitch to clean up.”

Tetsurou nodded and pulled out, grinning lecherously at the slick noises that accompanied his movements. “How are you going to do it?”

“Depends,” Daichi said, sitting up on his elbows a little. “Do you want to, uh,” he paused, going a little red at the thought. “Do you want to watch them come out? If you don’t then I think it’ll be okay if I do it on my knees?”

Tetsurou fidgeted.“Um, if I wanted to watch them come out of you… what then?”

“If that’s what you want, then I uh, I can stay on my back?”

“I want you to do what’s comfortable for you, though…”

Daichi huffed but stayed on his back. “Alright then, I’ll just do it this way.”

Tetsurou nodded, staring between Daichi’s legs with wide eyes. Daichi felt a wave of embarrassment flood him all of a sudden, but the thought of Tetsurou being so caught up in their fun was flattering and adorable.

He scooted back a little and leaned against the pillows, vaguely registering the fact that he was positioning himself like he was going to give birth. He swatted the thought away. “C’mere,” he said, and Tetsurou went, letting Daichi kiss him till his nerves settled.

“You good?” he asked, looking into Daichi’s eyes, his hands on Daichi’s hips and making soothing strokes with his thumbs.

“M’good now,” said Daichi, giving him one final kiss on the corner of his mouth. “Let’s get these eggs laid, shall we?”

Tetsurou grinned and sat back, moving his hands to Daichi’s knees. “Take your time, sweetheart.”

He really couldn’t because the eggs were melting, but Daichi said nothing, focusing instead on pushing them out of him. He bore down, feeling his entire head burn at the thought of the image he was making right now. He persevered, squeezing his eyes shut and gasping when he felt one of the eggs emerge and pop out of him with a wet, slippery noise, and a second one follow quickly after.

“Mother _fuck_ ,” said Tetsurou, and Daichi opened his eyes to see he was red all the way down to the top of his chest. He looked positively scandalized, and Daichi laughed even if he probably shouldn't have, considering the situation at hand.

“You’re precious, Tetsu,” he chortled, covering Tetsurou’s hand on his knee with his own.

“Don’t be mean,” Tetsurou griped, but he didn’t seem too offended. “That was really hot.”

“One more to go.”

“One more,” he repeated, looking into Daichi’s eyes as he brought Daichi’s hand to his lips to press a kiss to his palm. “The last.”

The look made Daichi shiver.

He braced himself again, feeling the egg in him, already much smaller than when it had first entered him. He tried to push it out but it wouldn’t go, and he sighed, frustrated.

“Take your time,” Tetsurou purred, rubbing his calves. “It’s okay if you want it to melt too. Actually,” he said, smiling his rascal smile that had been the start of this whole exercise. “Can I just fuck you till it melts?”

Daichi stared at him in disbelief before the amusement caught up with him and he snorted. “Why the fuck not, we’ve come this far and it’s almost all gone anyway.”

Tetsurou grinned wide and patted Daichi’s thigh. “Up on your knees, babe.”

“Bossy ass,” Daichi grumbled, but turned around anyway, never one to refuse a good dicking from behind.

“You like my bossy ass.” Tetsurou pulled Daichi’s butt against his dick and ground on him. “You _love_ my bossy ass.”

Daichi exhaled as Tetsurou’s cock finally breached him, and immediately set a punishing pace, knocking his retort right out of his head. The slap of skin on skin was almost as loud as the slick noises of their fucking, and Daichi shuddered out a moan when he felt the melted gelatin run down his thigh.

“Fuck, baby, yes, just like that,” he huffed, getting the words out between the involuntary little moans that came from deep in his throat.

“You’re so fucking wet and filthy, Daichi, fucking hell.” Tetsurou groaned and draped himself over Daichi’s back, fucking him hard and fast. “Going to come soon. Going to add my cum to the mess inside you, want to watch it all drip back out. You’ll let me, won’t you? You’ll let me do whatever I want to you, right sweetheart? You’re so fucking good to me, Daichi, _so_ fucking good for me.”

“Fuck, Tetsu.” Daichi moaned when Tetsurou bit his shoulder and closed a hand around him to jack him off. “Gonna come, I’m gonna—” he grit his teeth and pushed backward to meet Tetsurou’s thrusts.

“Do it, come on my cock, sweetheart.”

A few more strokes of Tetsurou’s skillful hand Daichi came with a cut-off, strangled whine, and Tetsurou followed him in seconds, pressing himself deep inside Daichi as he orgasmed with a long groan.

The both of them collapsed on the bed, wrung out and too tired to mind the mess they were laying in, slick all over with sweat and lube and melted eggs.

“Holy fuck,” Tetsurou breathed into Daichi’s hair, still lying on top of him.

“That definitely was a holy fuck,” Daichi mumbled, turning his head so his face wasn’t smushed into the pillow. “Think I saw god for a minute there.”

Tetsurou snickered, nosing against Daichi’s neck. “That was just me.”

Daichi snorted. “Fucker.”

“That was also me.”

Daichi was exhausted but he called on a secret reserve of energy to raise his hand and swat his boyfriend on the shoulder.

Tetsurou yelped but smartly stayed quiet. They just lay there for a few moments, letting it sink in that they’d thoroughly enjoyed what had started out as a practical joke.

“We have to clean up,” Tetsurou murmured, splaying his hand over Daichi’s butt.

“In a few,” said Daichi.

Tetsurou hummed. “That was fun, right? You liked it?”

Daichi used some more of his secret energy to push his hand into Tetsurou’s hair and gently scritch behind his ears. “Next time you’re laying the eggs.”

He felt Tetsurou’s lips stretch into a grin against his shoulder, and smiled to himself.

\--

 

_Outtake:_

He braced himself again, feeling the egg in him, already much smaller than when it had first entered him. He tried to push it out but it wouldn’t go, and he sighed, frustrated.

“Tetsu… I can’t…”

Kuroo gripped frantically at Daichi’s hand. “No Daichi! You mustn’t give up! Hold on just a little while longer, baby!”

Daichi reached out to cup Kuroo’s face, expression pained. “No, Tetsurou, I can see the light… it’s too late for me… but promise me, promise me you’ll love our babies on my behalf as well.”

“No Daichi, please, you can’t leave you can’t leave me! You can’t leave _us_!”

“Promise me, Tetsu. Promise me you’ll love them and make sure they grow into fine upstanding citizens.”

“I promise. I promise, Daichi, and I’ll tell them how much you loved them.”

Daichi smiled tiredly and sighed. “Thank you, that’s all I can ask for. I wish I could tell them in person, but the fates are too cruel. I love you, Tetsurou. Goodbye.”

Then he wheezed dramatically as he pushed the last egg out and flopped lifelessly onto the bed.

Kuroo gathered the eggs in his cupped hands, holding them close to his chest, and wailed. “Daichiiiiiiiiiiiii!!”

A few seconds passed, filled with Tetsurou’s quiet, hitched breaths, and Daichi sat up with a smug grin. “How’s that for roleplay?”

Kuroo laughs and bends down to kiss him. “Oscar worthy.”

\--

 

_Outtake 2:_

Daichi was exhausted but he called on a secret reserve of energy to raise his hand and swat his boyfriend on the shoulder.

“Ow! What was that for!”

“Your horniness killed our third baby. You’re a terrible father.”

\--

**Author's Note:**

> This started out because of discord shenanigans and I was like oh I can't _not_ write that. I didn't expect it to turn out so long, though.  
> There really is an ovipositor named Splorch, and the orange option really is called the Hot Poker. All the info I gathered was from the Primal Hardwere sex toys site, which is a delight to browse. Just do it, for science and giggles.
> 
> There's a BokuAka version [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18803317)  
> This is unbetaed. No gods no grammar only goopy gelatin eggs ✌️  
> I enjoyed myself writing this, and I hoped you got a few laughs out of it as well! Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ItsAiryBro) and [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/ItsAiryBro)!  
> 


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